Independence v/s Protection: Children on the Rise to Adulthood

When individuals receive the opportunity to become parents, he/she oftentimes regards this experience as a most beautiful one.  Expressions of love is extended by way of cute clothes, beautiful room filled with stuffed animals, fluffy decor, and musical toys by which to entertain this newest addition to the family.  The baby becomes the center of its parents’ world. Throughout this love affair, the parents are tasked with guiding, directing, protecting, and influencing this little bundle of joy. However, as time goes by, the effects of the parents’ natural interaction with their child may become tasking to the point that what was once respected as a welcomed engagement, is now regarded as a negative encounter with the perception on both sides of this relationship being people who “think they know everything”. The parents long to shield and protect while the child longs to become independent and self-sufficient. However, children often view their parents’ shielding and protection as control; parents often view their children’s quest to become independent and/or self-sufficient as defiance.  It is at this very moment that the relationship between child and parent becomes a most stressful one.

How do we get through this period?  Who gets the last say? Whose way is most correct?  These are the questions that this blog will attempt to answer.  It will also provide tips for how to engage this time with the least amount of turmoil as possible, for we know that all things are possible to them who believe.

Question 1: How do we get through this period?

We can get through this period, and many others that we encounter throughout the parental/child relationship, by utilizing this 5-step process: Praying, Understanding, Reasoning, Respecting, and Trusting.  This process will actually work for any type of relationship; however, for the sake of this article, it will be tailored to fit this subject matter. A brief explanation of the steps is provided below.

Praying:

Praying before going through this process sets your mind and your heart at ease. It prepares the way for a calm conversation.  One scripture that we can focus on when praying is found in Psalms 19:14. It says, “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer” (KJV). Praying opens the door to understanding.

Understanding:

One thing we can do as parents and children is to first seek to understand; seek to understand each other’s perspective and perception.  A scripture reference for understanding can be found in Proverbs 4:7, which says, “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom: and with all thy getting, get understanding” (KJV).  Once we understand each other, we are better able to see each other’s point of view and extend compassion.  Understanding opens the door to the next point—reasoning.

Reasoning:

Reasoning allows us to come up with a plan that works not only for any given situation, but most importantly the relationship. A scripture reference for reasoning can be found in Isaiah 1:18, which says, “Come now, and let us reason together” (NKJV). Reasoning opens the door to the next point—respecting.

Respecting:

Respecting allows each person to receive high regard from the other about the decisions that were made during the reasoning phase. A scripture reference for respect can be found in 1Peter 2:17, which says to “Respect everyone, and love the family of believers. [a] Fear God, and respect the king” (NLT). Respect opens the door to the next point—trusting.

Trusting:

When trust is established, a real reduction in anxiety, stress, and depression is experienced on both sides of the relationship. A scripture reference for trusting is found in Isaiah 26: 3, which says, “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You” (NKJV).

Questions 2 and 3:  Who gets the last say? Whose way is most correct? 

Dr. Phil said some years ago that it is we who “teach people how to treat us”. The aforementioned process is oftentimes the first interaction a child will have at learning the art of teaching people how to treat him/her, negotiating, and the importance of honoring God in this process.  It helps to establish healthy boundaries, healthy respect, and lays the foundation for a healthy, long lasting, and welcomed relationship.

To actually answer the last two questions…When Jesus’ word is regarded, it is He who truly gets the first and the last word.  Everyone else is heard, however, it is the parents who get the last say…at least for such a time. This five-step process will help navigate this conversation and work towards keeping the relationship intact.

Key to Remember:

The key to remember is that when Christ is regarded, prayer is enacted, and people are respected and heard…a most positive relationship is the experience. For His desire is that, “if at all possible, as far as it depends on us, to live in peace with everyone” (Rom 12:18 NIV). We all can do this, and many other things also…because He has already given us the strength through Him, to do so. (Philippians 4:13).

© 2017 An Angel’s Intervention Counseling Services, LLC



29 Comments

  • This article covered many items that we as parents face with our teenagers. It’s a very challenging moment in the parent/child relationship and if not handled correctly, can lead to a long standing, hurtful gulf between the two. Prayer definitely is the key. No one is a perfect parent but partnering with God makes all the difference. Great article!

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Indeed L.V. Jones. Interacting with a pre-teen/teenager can be very challenging; hence the reason why we cannot afford to grow weary in doing good…and this 5-step process can help us in this effort of not growing weary. Thanks for your comment and your support.

  • Cathy Brown

    This is a very informative article to use as a guide with teens and young adults. Even if you don’t have children, it can also help with grandkids, and other family members. I would definitely seek the guidance from an Angel’s Intervention Counseling service. They put God first!!!

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Thank you Cathy…and indeed you are right, it can be used within any relationship. The goal is to always keep God in his proper place and in return, he promises to keep us in perfect peace. Thanks for your support.

  • Kami Jackson

    This was an awesome read sis! I think that if we follow these steps from day one, that all would go smoothly during the process.

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Yes Kami, it would be easier if we all could start here initially; however that is oftentimes not the case, as we can only give what we have been given…and sometimes, we have been given dysfunctional examples by which to connect and communicate. The great thing is that this approach is easily integrated within the relationship at any stage. The goal is to stay consistent and experience the result. Thanks so much for the comment…and your support.

  • Karen Douresseau

    Great information cousin. Perfect timing. The power struggle is real and sometimes viewed as defiance. I was an older mom and letting the reins go seems much harder with the last child. I appreciate this perspective and will definitely adjust my approaches.

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      I’m so glad that this information helped you Karen. I know that sometimes it is difficult changing our approaches, especially since we are so accustomed to doing things our own way. However, what I have found is that when we do decide to follow this approach, we have a stronger chance at staying connected throughout this process and period; this is the one thing that I believe every parent and child desire…to stay connected. Thanks for your comment and support.

  • Sulanda Lonnette

    Beautiful read. I am not a parent. I am an Aunt, Auntie, and a T-Su to many. It offered me clarification to many situations that I observed with my siblings and their children. Again, a beautiful read.

  • Dee Sanders

    Angel, this article is such a great read! It takes me back to my own childhood then to my adulthood and finally into parenthood. Often times I (neither did my parents) didn’t follow the 5 step process in that exact order and this could explain why there were gray areas in life. The way you digested the article and then provided tips on how to keep the relationship undamaged gives me life and another chance now that grand-parenthood is here.

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Hi Dee, Thanks so much for your comment. Yes, the great thing about being a child of God is that there is always opportunity for second chances, third chances, and so on. As Maya Angelou said some time ago, “When we know better, do better”. This information gives us a chance and access to a successful redeem the way Maya suggested. Thanks for your support.

  • Mark Lewis

    This is an awesome read, I think you should turn it into your next workshop.

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Thank you Pastor Mark! I am glad you found this article worthy of a workshop! I will definitely be in prayer about this. Thanks for your support!

  • Melinda Simon Diawara

    Angel, this is a great article with some good nuggets to adhere to. I’m glad you based it on scripture because God said in all our ways acknowledge him and he will direct our path, and make the crooked roads straight. God knows when dealing with preteens especially, there will be some rocky roads to travel. But when we apply God’s word to every situation in our lives, everyone involved is bound to have the victory sooner or later. The victory will definitely come.

    Best wishes to you!
    May God Bless you Abundantly 🙏

  • Corey Foreman

    This was a good read and very informative. I sometimes struggle with the power struggles. I am often critiquing myself making sure that I don’t make a mistake as a parent out of love because I want what’s best for my child. Thank you Mrs. Angel for this article.

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      You are welcome Corey. Yes, I believe we all struggle at one time or another with power struggles; hence the reason why its so important to rely on and adhere to the word of God. Thank you for the support.

  • Stephanie Bennett

    Thank you Angel for this very informative article. As parents we all know it’s a real struggle sometimes with our children/ young adults. I’ll keep this handy to read, remember, and live by through my day to day situations.
    Thanks Again!

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Hello Stephanie, Yes it is definitely a real struggle at times when raising our children, especially those that reach the preteen and teenage years. This 5-step process gives us all hope that we can get through these challenging times utilizing and implementing each step in full. Thanks so much for your support.

  • Monica Moton

    As a child, I was raised by the “do what I say!” method. This method is okay but with the generation of kids we have now, that method needs a little enhancing. Once my little bundles of joy reached their teenage years, I thought I was having a night mare on Elm Street! I loved them but definitely did not understand them. I stayed on my knees many days and still do. I’m so thankful that this article has brought out a different aspect of getting through this period with our children. Praying, Understanding, Reasoning, Respecting and Trusting are very important attributes that can enhance the outcome of our children’s lives. It’s more important for me to follow God’s plan and allow God to have the last word and not me and the “do what I say!” method. Thanks Sis, this article was definitely on point!

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Absolutely Monica…it is definitely important that we stay on our knees and pray for guidance and direction when it comes to rearing our children; the goal should always be to do everything as unto the Lord and to also treat others the way we would want to be treated. God’s plan does definitely work best both for our good…and the good of our children. Thanks for your comment and support.

  • Tabaki

    Hello Angel! Awesome and informative article. These were the tools needed for our parents so that they could have passed on to us. Not saying that to criticize as they all did the best they could with us with what they had. But going forward..”we” being the new generation can put these principles into practice. My son is grown, but during those teenage/formative years, we did utilize some of the principles discussed; prayer being number one! Be blessed & I know more great things are to come from you.

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Thanks for your comment Tabaki. Yes, I agree…our parents could have used this information. Although we turned out well (in my opinion), there is always room for growth in raising children. As Maya Angelou always said, “When you know better, you do better.” This is our task now…because now, we know better. Thanks for your support.

  • Abeni Tapp

    Loved this article for more reasons than one. The biggest reason is that I am raising a strong minded and independent little boy. It can be so difficult as a parent to know if we are doing the “right” thing or making the “right” decisions when it comes to our children. This article has given me solutions and reassurance to raise an honorable little boy without breaking his spirit. This was definitely awesome!

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      I’m so happy to hear that you found this article useful Abeni. You are right in that the goal should always be for us to raise our children with discipline that will not break their spirits. Thanks for your comment.

  • This article needed to be written because many parents/guardians need to be aware of all the challendea that our children are dealing with on a day to day basis in our present day. Taking the time to utilize all the teachable moments in the childs life save the life of a child is key!

    • Angel Jackson Paloade

      Thank you Sheryl; yes raising our children can be very challenging. We must do all we can to engage children from a higher point of reference. After all, they are our future.

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